Posted by: pauladowns on: October 12, 2008
I decided to creat this blog more as a communications with my sisters and my bff Angie, I am always thinking of things to tell her and when we get on the phone it is forgotten. Aren’t there a million bff’s out there that you wish you could stay in touch with more often. Angie and I don’t live close but there are a million forms of communication in todays world. There is no reason we should not be able to stay in touch. I miss her so much, it’s different with sisters or family. Sometimes you can’t tell them things because they won’t ever let it go even after you will. I have 4 sisters. One older and 2 younger. From now on the will be referred to as their name and a number indicating the position of birth. My sister Julie1 can remember everything and hold a grudge for a long long time. So if I tell her something I need to remember it might be brought up again many years later. My sister Carrie3 needs to answer her phone before I can tell her anything and she doesn’t answer that often. Nicole4 is easy to talk to and not judgemental but in about two weeks she is packing her family including my beloved neices and moving them to Africa. I resent her leaving me and taking my childrens cousins, my beautiful neices that I love and adore to no end, and oh yeah my brother in law and moving to untouchable regions. Actually I do love my brother law but I also immensely enjoy giving him a hard way to go, and he returns the passion. I hope people enjoy my writings but in the end, it’s all about me……right Angie.
Posted by: pauladowns on: January 2, 2009
I miss my sista so much. She lives in Togo Africa and I can not touch. see, feel or smell her. After my nephew died I realized the importance of thesee senses. I took home one of his hoodies and didn’t wash it just so I could smell him. I am writing this at 12:00 Jan 1, 2009 so Happy New year to all. So now I will make a resolution, mess up writing my checks for awhile and then watch time literately fly by. My nephews birthday is January 9th. He would have been 25.
I am on the path of trying to have a business online with my crocheting. Nobody except fellow crocheters realize the time, effort and energy that is put into crocheting a garment. It isn’t just a hook and yarn and loop de loops. Everything has to be perfect. I see a lot of crocheted items for sell that people want to buy for prices that don’t even cover the cost of the yarn. People, learn to appreciate the fine art of hand made items. I love crocheting and I love seeing something I have done. You can check out my pieces at www.acrochettoremember.etsy.com.
For Nicole, Christmas was crazy, i had to take all of our gifts to moms because they were basically the only gifts there. Julie came home from the hospital on the 24th. I had to take her to the ER on the 27th. She can’t eat anything and keeps throwing up. She is down to 127. That is driving mother crazy. Also it rained a lot and the middle room flooded which I had to go in and clean up and secure the scene because Julie and Gimpy (Carrie) couldn’t do it. I finally was able to get home, on New Years I babysat Rya, Brady who is 2, of course Christian 7. Which kid was the winiest? Christian wins that award. Although Rya is quite the crybaby. She basically stays up all night. It is quite exhausting. So here it is the next day at 5:00 and Erica and Patrick still havent shown up to get her. She looks so perfect sleeping here, she looks like one of those babies they make that are suppossed to be completely life like. I really hope things can mellow out now and I can focus on crocheting and networking. It takes a lot of time to network to get people to find your store. It is kind of overwhelming. The irony is there is hardly time to crochet. I have an internet auction this Saturday. Ben was horribly missed at Christmas but Jeremy was there. He looked so beautiful and felt so good. Caleb was there and full of slap stick comedy to pick up the slack where Ben left off. I miss my sister and neices and yes, even my brother in law so much. Nothing can replace a hug, squishing my neices. I love you so much and you can not be replaced. Love to all
Posted by: pauladowns on: October 29, 2008
So my sister Nicole4 is moving back to Africa in a week. So last week I went to St. Louis to spend time with my family, my sisters, and especially my nieces, Maddy and Michal Grace. I love my nieces so dearly, they are gifts from heaven. I have 2 nephews. One is 26 and one is 24. My 24 year old nephew died on October 5th but I will always see him in the present tense. He will never leave my life, thoughts. My father grabbed him and shook him and begged God to please help. But back to the present. I absolutely love and adore my family but I will tell you if you look up the word DRAMA in any language it would tell you Beach family. Even my grandson is prone to throwing himself on the floor in an emotional frenzy. So sometimes visits can be emotionaly exhausting but I love being there.
Because of my nephews death I am feeling very compelled to reach out to people who are dealing with addictions. There were a lot of Bens friends at the funeral and I looked at them and wondered which ones had sold him the drugs on the night of his death. But I don’t want to know out of anger, I want to tell them that I am here for them. What can I do to help? Some people say there are reasons for everything but for the life of me I can’t think of one single reason for Bens death. I want to do something that means something but I don’t even know how or where to begin. I can’t start MADD because it has been done. Maybe I will start GLADD. My daughter and I always laugh whenn we here about our local Optimist Club. We have decided to start a chapter of the Pessimist Club. Our motto is “Our glass is always all the way empty.” HUMPH I hate optimism. Squidward on Spongebob is a pessimist. When the Optimist Club sells Christmas Trees this year to raise money, the Pessimist Club is going to sell burn’t out xmas bulbs to put on them. Because when you are a pessimist, the damn bulbs are always out on the damn Christmas Tree. As a member of the Pessimist Club you have to swear an oath of hatred, bad attitudes, and to never let a car merge in front of you out of kindness.
Signing off
Posted by: pauladowns on: October 19, 2008
I received a card from BFF Angie the other day. We have been BFF’s for a long long time. Not that I am old. We live in different states but have always stayed in touch. A couple of years ago we kind of stopped communicating just because our lives were buys etc. But because of a health scare in Angies family we have reconnected. When talked again I had years of confessions, happy things, sad things to tell her because, you see, I tell Angie things I would never tell anyone else in the world. Not even my sisters. Angie always listens and agrees just when you need someone to agree with your insanity. One time I was telling my husband how a coworker had not agreed with my about a minor opinion and when I told him of my outrage, his comment was that maybe that person had a good reason for dissagreeing. I walked out of the room and immediately called Angie. Her response to my coworkers rudeness was “What a bitch”. Thank you. I love and adore her so much and she knows if she ever has to murder someone, I will testify in a court of law that she was with me at the time. I am quite sure that he had it coming. We’vre rarely been wrong, right Ang.
Posted by: pauladowns on: October 17, 2008
Last week I received a call from my father. He hesitated and I new immediately something was wrong. Then he told me that my 24 year old Nephew, Benjamin Robert Moore, had died that day from a drug overdose. I thought it couldn’t be true. I love my nephew so much. How could he do something that could cause so much pain to my sister Julie1,my parents,sisters,friends. I thought please God, do something. I have always been told that You can do anything, water to wine,bring the dead back to life. Do something right now. Nothing happened. The next day, Monday, I drove to St. Louis, about 2 hours away. Everyone was there and the food was already coming from the church and friends. It was surreal. I started hearing the story of what had happened. I am not one to talk about these things, I don’t want people hugging on me unless it is my husband or children. I mean no disrespect and I can’t even tell you why but that is the way it is. On Wednesday we went to the funeral home for a private viewing. I just couldn’t go in there. I saw him from a distance but it was so strange. All he had to do was sit up. I sobbed uncontrollably and my family put their hands on my trying to comfort me but I really wanted no one to touch me. Quit telling me it will be okay and he’s in a better place. How can it be better that with us. We all love him so much. The pain was and is excruciating. It will never ever go away. By Wednesday night I was pretty bitchy. By this I mean I was bitchy and looking pretty at the same time. My Aunt and Uncle came up and it was great to see them. We all love and adore Uncle Smokey and Aunt Theresa. A couple of weeks before he died, my nephew had gone into my parents house and stolen their camcorder. He had been stealing for awhile for the drugs. My parents were of course once again saddened by his betrayal, but we all still love him. Anyway one day a couple of guys come over and bring that camcorder back to my parents. Amazing. It still had the movies of family that was my parents main concern. People I had not seen in 20, ok maybe 30 years were there at the service on Friday night. To tell you the truth it is now all a blur. A vicodin blur to be honest. The best kind of blur. I will post some pictures of my nephew. My son cried, my daughter who is 8 months pregnant cried. My 7 year old grandson Christian cried. He still cries this week. How do we live without Ben? He is part of my blood flow, he is the oxygen I breathe in and now I am short of breath. Our Dear God in Heaven, please hold him close,tell him I love him. Please take care of him. Loving Memory of Benjamin Robert Moore
Posted by: pauladowns on: October 12, 2008
Nicole is my favorite person in the world. I admire her and look up to her. She is my hero and I want to grow up to be just like her!
